united sorry

yesterday i had a very strange day. i started early in a cafe, for a coffee and a croissant.  I started to do everything left handed, the writing in the diary, the drinking of the coffee, even turning the pages in my diary. I thought it would be the day to develop my unknown side. Immediately a memory of the last night with my mother came into my mind. The night before she died, I sat at her bed, we embraced each other, over and over. She asked me if i could put of her clothes, and her bandages. She said she wanted to be naked. she had bandages because of her wounds. I said I couldn’t do it, that we were in Austria, i felt embarrassed, because i was afraid that when i would do it, and my mother would really die that night, my brother and sister would be very angry with me, as if i had done something wrong. They both didn’t expect her to die so soon.

And now I felt that it was a metaphore, that my mother wanted to be naked. In my dreams I always undress myself, because I think it is required for the occasion, then i found out that i am the only one, and i feel very, very uncomfortable. and i look for my clothes but can’t find them anywhere.

i think, this getting naked is my desire and fear to be without masks, to be open and vulnerable, to be myself. It is the fear to be yourself. My mother was full of fears, I always fought against them, becaus eher fears strangled me to death sometimes. I  decided to spend the whole day to analyse my mother and her and my fears.

I took the bus, and i went to a small village into the hills. i walked for one hour hill up,till there was a nice view, some stones, some trees, and no one to be found,  i found a nice spot to rest, but it was still very close to the track of walkers. there it happened again. now i wanted to be without clothes, in the cold, in the wind, but i didn’t dare, i was afraid that some walkers would suddenly appear and they would feel disturbed by my nakedness. so i didn’t do…and i thought about my mothers desire to be naked.

Then i thought a long time about liberation, being without social fear, and back in montpellier i went alone to an expensive restaurant to have a nice dinner, together with my dead mother, sometimes i talked to her silently, and she said she liked especially the cheese very much.

Later I lingered to the city, which was full of people going out , it was almost midnight, in bed i couldn’t sleep very well, because I became very jealous.

I am still not used that my life changed and also the life of A.

So i had the opportunity again to face my own jealousy,  it opened a lot of other nasty things i discovered in myself, what brought me into a rainy sunday.

in the kitchen of the residency in montpellier, it is raining like hell here, stormy weather, i must work at the computer, but i am slightly depressed, so for a while i do nothing