united sorry

I am in the train to Paris, going to my home in Amsterdam. I listen to music of the panorama bar in Berlin. Jessica, my colleague in the performance of Latifa, gave it to me. I try to write and work, but the music has nothing to do with working. It makes me think of clubbing, of moving the body, getting a certain bodyheat in the mind. I stop working.

I am dancing in a crowd of people. Legs are moving, torsos, heads are moving. Everything seems to move, inside me and in front of my eyes. My mind is as elastic as my body seems to be.
And then, suddenly, exactly at some tones of the music they open the windows for the sun to shine into the panorama-room. The dancing crowd starts to shout. waves their arms up in the air and welcomes the sudden rays of the sun, the crowd acts as one body. It is already Sunday ten o’clock in the morning, but no one is thinking about going home. This is our church. Oh yes Lord, can I still have another pill to go on. Can I still have another pill to stay in contact with you. Oh Lord, I missed your omnipresence so many times. And now it is the time to celebrate this idea that you are with me all the time.

In Montpellier, the city I just left behind, I tried to go several times to the morning prayers of the Dominican monks. In between their communal singing, they were silent for three, four minutes. I came especially for this silence. The echo of their music disappeared into the ecstasy of an unknown silence., You could feel how the thick walls of the church absorbed the silence and brought your ears into a space, which you have never met before.

Oh Lord, can you always make it so silent between my ears. Yes, bring me back to the cells of the Vipassana meditation centre in India. Bring me back to the time when I discovered you between these exquisite moments of in-and exhalation.

Oh Lord, I beg you, bring me back to the time I was a child, and you were my only comfort. Bring me, back to this state of innocence and trust, although i am an adult now, older & wiser.

I want this so badly. Without pills, or meditation, just now, here in the train.

Father, what made me that I forgot you?

a picture, more than a year ago, made by  johan, a student/friend in angers. is this the ways i present myself when i teach.