united sorry

Lately I came in conflict with several people, who I coached or with whom I collaborated. I remember four conflicts within a period of a month. I allowed myself to spit words to them, which question their behavior in a very judgmental way. Or I allowed myself to say such things to colleagues and friends of them, when the person of this rude analysis was not even there.
I feel ashamed, even embarrassed about this. I could not stop myself, at such moments I felt so angry, It felt as if I could not tolerate the behavior of this other person anymore.

I feel as a snake, very silent, perhaps even charming, but always dangerous, because at a certain moment when someone stands on my tail, I spit my poison. With these rude words I intoxicate my connection with this person, and we both must deal, separately with this poison. It hurts both of us.

It makes me insecure, but it also makes me think, why can’t I tell the things in a soft way, and why do I accept so long situations with other people, which in fact are unbearable for me.

Of course it made me think about my mother whose problems and feelings about her own insecurity dominated my life as a teenager, she tried to make me a partner of her vulnerable state – I was her understanding child – she made me a hostage of her own fears– and the only thing I could do was to accept this situation, till the moment my acceptance turned into poison, nowadays I easily speak very critical about my mother although she died already for some years now. And it does not mean that I love her less.

So I am 49, and I seem still to be in this pattern, or did the snake come into my life, since I created him on stage, and is this reaction his energy: very confrontational, but also very healing.

It makes me think about a Korean shaman, whose words and behavior are very rude and confrontational when she is working with people. I recognize the same energy, now I am working in the theatre, performing or coaching. I did some snake dances with her.

And another question: why is it always easier to analyze the behavior of the other, and not the one of yourself.

I try to do this here, but it is not easy, to accept that you can hurt people deeply, although you think that a lot of these hurt feelings were connected with fear, a fear I did not want to accept anymore as a dominant feature in my coaching or collaborations. Suddenly I can’t tolerate the fear of others anymore, so I must look into my own fears I think

How to confront myself with my own fear: how to look the snake in the eyes.