vanity rules
written on Friday, October 27th, 2006
already two days in my new apartment in vienna, a white space, basic furniture, nothing on the wall, nothing personal, and suddenly i am alone. Of course i meet frans in the day to rehearse or talk about the new piece, but mostly i am alone, and stay alone, and find no pleasure to see friends here in vienna, not yet, i think i have to be alone, to concentrate on the new piece, because there is still a lot of work to do, but also because i want to find out something in myself, i want to have a time out, to questions my desires. ( it is also the theme of the piece of course)
and i think i must do this quest alone, with the white walls around me, nothing to escape, no telephone, no internet connection, i play with the camera of the computer to find characters of our new piece, and i knit a lot, i have already a part of the costume ready and still there is something quite melancholic in me, something of a loss, and suddenly i have this idea, the longer i am on stage the more obsessed i become by pictures of myself, and i want to blow them up, and hang them at the white walls, to gaze at m self from all the corners and to look back, as if i live in a mirrorbox. the situation looks like in the golden note book of doris lessing in which the main character locks herself up in her house, and surrounds herself with all kind of articles out of the newspapers, glued to the walls.she brings the outer world in, to look for a balance between the personal and the political. i am stuck with the personal, in conncection with the others
my situation is as psychotic as the one of the character in the golden notebook. the book had a happy end, my life still goes on, nothing wrong about observing your own crisis, i guess.
