united sorry

Back in new york, totally exhausted, and deeply in trance to make a solo about our work. Frans is not here, because he just got a child, so i make  a remix of our work with him in mind, And at a certain moment in this performance i will invite him in the space and i will ask him to enter my body to dance for the public in the judson church. so they still can experience his presence.

it is strange, but always when i must make something on my own, i must isolate myself, i must force myself to feel lonely, very, very lonely, to create something.

yes i feel lonely, very lonely now . i don’t stop lingering in these imaginary dark areas of my soul, i exclude everyone in this journey, and i try to be as honest as possible to myself. and to be honest it is not always very nice what i see about myself.

I ask myself, why do i cultivate this sadness in me, this combination of a strong will to live my life fully, and at the same time a strong desire to go beyond these conditions of life.

how to transcend, my own feeling of missing, of suffering, everybodies feeling of suffering.

i miss you so much. yes i always go back to this feeling of missing someone, to put myself on stage.

i do not miss sebastian who died so suddenly, i do miss Frans, at this moment just to be with me, to make pleasure to create together something, to make jokes, to talk, to discuss, and to think out loud about what we can do, it is just the fun of making something together, what i miss now.

but i know it is also necessary to be solo sometimes, to knwo what you can do, and what is still a desire to become, especially in this case, when i must represent myself and frans at the same time

again a picture of myself, feeling lonely in a hotelroom, hotels are very good locations to get depressive, after of before performing. Is it true that we theatrepeople only function to our fullest when we are on stage, or giving workshops. And the rest is silence.. ahum relaxation.