united sorry

today my first real holiday, because yesterday i finished the rehearsals with milli, we showed what we did for Lisa ( who does the set) and Chris ( who is an apprentice).

Now i am free, no work, no obligations, nothing.

Yesterday i was also in the forest of my youth together with cilia, to test a sound project of her. It is the forest of my youth, it is like coming home. It is as if i know every tree, every path. Of course that's not true.  Bit it feels like that, and the older I get, the more I feel that being in nature is getting home, i am astonished about the fact that i always easily forget to go the forest. But now i was there….

in two days, it will be 2007, and do i have  wish? yes, because some people complain that i am so much involved with myself nowadays, also on this blog. i have the wish to disappear, to disappear in nature, in work, in family, friends, lovers. i am going to disappear, even when i show my portrait on the blog, i will not be there anymore, i will disappear into my own face.

i will not be here anymore, i will just live and at the same time  when i am not here i will be with the dead people who surround me, day after day.

i promised my father to take care of his and my mothers grave, so after a trip to the forest i always look if everything is okay with their grave, and leave roses around their stone. it was already dark, when i came there, i like dark cemeteries, there is so much silence, i am wondering why at the end you only feel so much love after people died.  

i wait for 2007, in silence for the storm to die, to disappear, disappear into you… where are you my love, the storm will bring us together, and we will cross the border between life and death, i am longing to die in your arms, eternal sleep against your chest, there is nothing more of life what i want, i see you in everything i meet, in all the faces of the people, in the trunks of the tree, in the clouds in the sky, in the shopping bags in the shopping centre, you are everywhere, so nothing stops me of dying in everything.

2007 , will be the year of my disappearance, the year of my death. i will be of no importance anymore. i am deadly wounded, and yes i will surrender.