united sorry

the deadly wounded deer started to speak with me, in short, cut off sentences, it takes some difficulties to write it down now as an understandable story. But I will try. What the deer said is something like this:

By my nature i am a shy being, especially when i am not with my own brothers and sisters. All deers are. We try to hide in the forest, invisible for the human beings. Whenever the wind brings us the smell of a human being, we immediately go deeper into the forest, or we hide behind a thick bush, it is as easy as that. no one would notice us, because we can be very still, our breathing can become so shallow, that it looks if our breathing stopped.

But we know, that one day we must overcome this shyness, because once in our life we must appear suddenly in front of the eyes of a hunter, In all our pride, by showing our dignity in our vulnerability beacuse we chose to be in shooting distance of his weapon. At this dangerous moment we must look him in the eyes, this man who wants to kill us. We must experience what brings him on this path of killing us.

In this moment a lot of things can happen. Nothing is fixed. But we hope of course, that this hunter sees the beauty of nature in our eyes, and that he discover his own nature, that he falls in love with nature and that he start to feel compassion for everything that lives, including himself. So when his aim was just to destroy a life for the pleasure of feeling the power to kill, he must chang his mind. When he was hunting for food, or to stabilize the ecosystem, he would pay respect to the deer, he has to kill, and the deer understanding this task would sacrifice itself.

I waited long before i found a man for whom i could appear. i was immediately in love with him, when i saw him entering the forest. It was the glittering of his eyes, the delicacy of his face, with the red beard, he had something wild with his hairy eyebrows, which he tried to civilize. In the way of his walking I noticed he was a control freak, who was proud that he could be the boss of his own life. But I felt a lot of sweetness and generosity behind this behavior. Don’t ask me why i felt that.

Later i discovered that these interpretations of him belonged to the mechanics of falling in love. The first encounter with the hunter with the red beard was beautiful. I suddenly understood our task to appear in the eyes of the hunter. It made me feel that we existed. We looked into each others eyes, froze, without forgetting to breathe, On the contrary, it felt as if the whole surrounding around us two stopped breathing, and we were the only ones who still breathed. finding a rhythm together, dwelling into each others eyes. It took a long time, before we both turned away, both towards another direction. It had worked, the magical moment, between the deer and the hunter. He had not use his weapon, and w had seen each others beauty and compassion.

My fault was that i got hooked at this moment, and that i wanted to meet this hunter again and again, that i could not be satisfied by having had this wonderful experience ony for once. For me this was a different case, i felt that we were soul brothers, me , the deer and the hunter with the red beard. I thought that my existence made no sense without him.

Whenever he reappeared in the forest, i was calling him with a horny noise, and i crossed his path several times, happily and playfully. I felt so alive. But the magical moment of watching in each others eyes, never appeared anymore, at the moment it could happen the hunter looked always away, it felt, as if he was irritated. I did not understand why. I missed this so eye to eye contact much, that iI blocked him the way. I forgot my vulnerability of being a deer in front of the hunter. I was just forcing another being, to open his heart to me again, in a way he did when he saw me for the first time.

I forgot my pleasure, my jumps became heavy, my way of walking anxious, and nervous. And still I could not stop myself looking for this hunter with the red beard. Who evidently already lost interest, and established contact with other animals in the forest. It seemed that he loved being in the forest but that he had become very irritated by the behavior of me.

And then one day it happened. He entered the forest with a strong will. I could smell it, and I approached him with a fearful heart. But I had to see him. Nothing of my initial pride remained, I had become a nervous deer. I stood in front of him, he took his weapon and shot me, not one, but several ones, almost in anger. I fell onto the ground, i was bleeding like hell. he said, ” i am sorry, but i must kill everything that comes to close to me.”

I did not die of these wounds, no my heart broke by what he said and i could not heal it myself anymore. I moved myself deeper into the forest, devastated, in tears. Somewhere I laid my head down, on a meadow deep in the heart of the forest. There the bear found me, and brought me to the cave of death. I was dying.

This was what the deer said to me, there in the cave of death.