united sorry

today i met myself  as a totally stressed person.

As i  woke up this morning  i discovered  that I spend  too much money without thinking when i am rehearsing. I promised myself to accept this, but also i promised myself to be a little more careful in the future.

Then Frans and I  rehearsing  for our new piece, we were trying different things, very spaced out,  but at a certain moment i became totally emotional and vulnerable. I was happy that it happened,  i felt very  fragile, the scene had opened my nerves.

Then i made the mistake to check my email instead of just relaxing and cooling down. I discovered that i have no place to stay  in new york the coming weekend, so suddenly i saw myself  emailing people as a madman who could help me to look for a space  and i even was checking the internet for cheap hotels.  lloking at the currency of the dollars. etc.

I felt quite agitated, because i knew i had to  stop soon and leave  the theatre because the technician wanted to close the building. I felt a little awkward because i already stayed so long, so i did my best to leave as fast as possible. i put of my training clothes, put on my normal clothes, and in a hurry i checked if i had all the keys, the two cellphones, the wallet at the moment i left the theatre.

I thought it became time to cool down, so I decided to walk home, . After ten minutes walking i decided to drink a chai latte in a coffee shop, where there is wifi  to surf on the net on a more relaxed way and there i discovered that my laptop – with the new hard disk – wasn’t in my bag anymore. I didn’t know if someone had stolen it when i was in the bakery. or if i had forgotten  it in the theatre, so i ran  back to the theatre and opened the building again, aan looked in the hall where we worked. so i was in a kind of panic, running around, when i didn’t see the laptop.

at a certain moment  i decided that there was nothing to do about it, and at that moment i saw the laptop on a chair. i was relieved,and finally walked home, still with this stressy feeling.

so drama really takes over in my daily life, and also outside the stage i become a kind of drama queen. i hope it is just a period in the process of rehearsing.