united sorry

Difficult days behind, I doubted my qualities as a performer in a work of someone else. There is no freedom at the moment, I am stuck, and this state leads to passivity, insecurity, and so on. It is not easy, certainly not for the others, but I must find my own freedom.
This week I was confronted with my past as a dramaturge. So many times I have seen a run with dancers, actors and afterwards we talked, I believed that we were colleagues and that the best was to open a discussion with everyone, also to test my thoughts and intuition as a dramaturge with everyone, but here in France they don’t know this holistic approach, there is still a strong hierarchy in functions, one can look at a run, stay silent after the run, without even greeting anymore goodbye. French politeness disappears when the own power of thoughts must be protected. It reminded me of something which happened at the beginning of my career as a dramaturge. I collaborated with the most interesting theatre director in the netherlands of that time in a small project. He was known for his collaboration with a dramaturge, who was for a long time his intellectual sparring partner. But now we were together in this small project, without this partner. Nevertheless he asked her once for a run, and I was curious to her thoughts. But what happened, after the run she whispered a long time with him in his left ear, at a volume I couldn’t hear. I didn’t feel only excluded, but also humiliated. But then I was young.
Now I felt that it influenced a lot my looking for things in performing, I felt insecure. But I don’t feel excluded anymore, a dramaturge who act like this, is obviously looking for another kind of theatre. It is a theatre of another ideology. For sure I can’t find a place in such a kind of theatre. And even I don’t want it. But what do I want. That’s interesting and what can I give in this situation. I promised myself to leave my fears behind and to find my curiosity for my skills again, and how they can grow or flourish.
In that sense I love the process of making theatre. It is like meditation,just observe everything what happens, never give up, without forcing for an immediate result. This weekend I am alone in the residency, all the others are going home or partying in paris, it is good to be alone. For the first time, since a long time, I have the feeling of coming home, being alone, in residency.