united sorry

I did not write a lot lately on this blog. I could not find the right tone anymore, or the necessity to write something, and i did not want to force myself. But now I slowy start, perhaps to find a new reason to continue.

Sunday morning, in Amsterdam, where I stay now for a period of five weeks, back to a family feeling, back to my old house, in a new constellation. How to find peace?  How to find a clear path in my life, which flows from one project to another? What is the sense of it? Of course I enjoy the work. It makes me happy, to be with people, to create performances, to perform, to teach and to think about what it is , am I doing now? This reflecting my position will be always part of my work. In fact it determines the direction where to go, what to do.

I get more interested in the magic of theatre, in becoming a magician. In the sense of creating imaginary worlds that can change our behavior, our way of thinking, of feeling. That’s very necessary, also personally for myself, because I suffered a lot by emotions, I did not wanted to have: emotions of loss, sorrow, not knowing, doubting etc.

I never was a person with a strong will, who knows what he wants to do. On the contrary, the only thing I wanted, was to be free and to…. Be in love with someone. Because I was a lonely child, living in his own world of fantasies, I looked always for my soulmate, a person who could destroy my feeling of not being understood.  This looking for a soulmate was colored by erotic desires.

I thought I found my soulmate, but it did not work for him,  then I thought I found my soulmate, and this person died.  Then I met another person, who could be the one, and then he did not seem to be ready.

Then I decided that being with a soulmate doesn’t mean immediately also having a sexual affair, because when sex is involved, I can become very, very possessive.

Bu I discovered that creativity and sexuality come from the same source of being in love. Of opening the senses, of letting yourself go.

So I started to understand that the turbulence in my life the last years had nothing to do with a midlife crisis. It has been provoked by my clear choice to become more and more creative, to make more performances.

The sun is shining in the living room at the moment, classical musical from the radio, I am still in my bathrobe and still must take a shower. What do I miss?

Why do I miss you, the more I find peace with myself, the more happy I become. You are even not an existing person anymore. You start to become an abstract figure, an abstraction of the other. My other part.

Yes, I need public. I need the other to share everything what I am, and what I can become. I need the other to show myself, I need a person to whom I can channel my creativity.

I want to see myself through the eyes of you.

And I want to look into your eyes, to let go of myself, To hear about you, To feel what you feel. To be with you.