not an easy day
written on Saturday, July 19th, 2008
this is a note, made monday 14th of july
Again in the train, now from Toulon to Avignon , on the right side of me, the Mediterranean is glimmering. The weather here is beautiful. Everything invites you to think of holiday. The trees, the houses. But today is really a day of a lot of stress to me. Just in time I caught the airplane, I had to run, because it took ages before they could give me a ticket, because I was not visible in the computer, in Rom I could hardly find my next plane, because my fight happened to be called a domestic one – although it was definitely not, and I didn’t know the domestic flights are at a different side of the building, then from the airport in France I needed a very fast drive with the taxi to catch my next train, the drives drove like crazy, but now I am sitting here, in the train on my way to Avignon, which will be the next stop. Everything seems to be okay now, although our set for the performance tomorrow is still untraceable, lost by the post.
But what about me, in the middle of all this stress, yes I am still feeling very, very sad about S. It is incredible how sadness still penetrates my system, missing him isn’t so unbearable anymore as four (!) years ago , but still there is this constant pain of being torn in two. Because you other half is not there.
I am not fighting anymore against this emotion of missing him. That will make it only stronger. I just try to let it go, without analyzing it, or thinking about it.. I feel a lot of love for him, he doesn’t have the same feelings, so that’s my reality this moment, how unreal it also sounds..
Tomorrow we will play the Bach piece in Avignon, perhaps with an improvised set, costumes etc. As always, I will be naked for ten minutes, to do my clumsy contact improvisation with Frans. But also this nakedness will be very different this timeI think, and in a very embarrassing way. Because big alarming red bulbs cover my whole bottom. At the beach in Bregenz some insects had fun with my bottom.
Sometimes life isn’t so easy, when you are down and lonely.
