united sorry

The last weeks I worked in a performance, in which I had to be the invisible one, the one in the dark, the one at the background. Anne Teresa made a solo, and we started together in the dark, setting a relation, which could not exist in daylight.

It made me think of my own life, of a long love affair, which started in the middle of the night, but never had any chance during daily life. The person I fell in love with could not make any space for me in his own life, everything had to be according his rules, in any case I felt it that way, I felt, I was a danger, because being with me, it seemed that his strict rules for living a certain life were melting and I felt that these rules were his protection to survive. Suddenly love asked him not to think anymore in strategies to survive, but asked him just to live with me and trust life and our love as it could develop.

In that time, I could not deal with his excluding me out of his life, I felt rejected, hurt, disappointed, dominant in my desire to be with him, a madman, with a broken heart.

And now I know more about living with loss and death. The death of my little brother Sebastian healed my heart. The fact that I could not reach his disturbed mind, that he died alone on the streets, broke my heart again, but it was also the start of a healing process.

I learned to know that I am not in the position to open another person, I know I only can open myself, and the other has his own timing, his own desires. I had to learn to be happy with my love for the other, also when it is not answered the way I hoped for.

I thought about all this during the last week performing in the dark. And suddenly something changed in me, I met a huge silence within me.

It is something I always look for in my work and in my life. I wish to enjoy life, from the perspective of losing myself in the silence, of forgetting myself in the moment, losing myself in everything I do, without thinking who iam or what i do, just the silence of falling in love with the moment.

Yes, my character remains to fall in love. But now with the moment itself. I want to live, just as a man of 49, without identity, a man in black.

i think this is my trip at this moment, and everyone i work with, or i meet in daily life, is confronted with this perspective.

it is impossible to escape your own process.