united sorry

Thinking of our new piece feminine delight - about what it is to be a leading dancer - I start to become obsessed by the question how to master dance without wanting to be in control.

It’s a metaphor of course, because my question is really how to master life, without controlling the conditions of it.

Sometimes I fall in love or work with people who like to be into control, it seems, they really know what they want from life, and they also seems to know what they want from their relationships with others. They consider control as a form of mastery, as something positive to make life worth living.

When I am with them, I try to accept their choices. When I wouldn’t, our relationship will immediately transform into a power game.
But at a certain moment , respecting this control system of the other, I start to feel that the other is not really interested in me as a person, because the system of rules is more important to him or her. They tolerate my presence, when i do not disturb the order  of things, but never there was a promis that we would do the things together. That was only in my mind, a projection of what i wanted i suppose.
And this is my trauma.