united sorry

In the train back to Vienna, after visiting Bregenz. I saw my love, who is in love with another man. Strangely enough, it didn’t hurt. I saw that my love has chosen for a side of his character, I was still not in love with. I fell in love, with the poet in him, with the insecure, the astonished, and the lovely tender one. And now he has chosen for the organized one, he trains himself to become the thin one, the not drinking and not smoking one, the so called healthy one. That’s what he shows me. He is still in my heart – since he opened it– but I can leave him alone, together with his new found happiness.

So I am totally free now, starting to understand my path of learning love. Yes, I still want to know how love rules my life. Not fighting against it, on the contrary.

Put the dope out your head

What amazed me a lot was that he said that he didn’t like deer, because his father killed a lot, and there were a lot of deer trophies in his home, when he was a kid. So probably he didn’t want to be confronted with them anymore. I never told him, or lets say he never encourages me to tell, and he doesn’t read the blog, that the whole deer hunter history which I wrote for the blog, was based on our short romance.

Put the dope out your head

I need no pills anymore, for the moment, because i feel full of love.

I trust that love will be like water. It can’t be stopped. It will always try find its way to the ocean. Yes, it sounds pathetic new agy, but when I become the deer in my imagination, I feel so near to the vibrating infinite.

Put the dope out your head

When I saw his boyfriend, it was immediately clear for me why it would never work with us. Perhaps because i must justify his no to me by rationalizations and making up stories, but when i saw them together i felt immediately alienated from them. They represent a different world for me, with different jokes, different visions, even different clothes and hairdo’s. Although i never care about clothes or haido’s of other people. Now i felt totally happy to interprete their outside in a way, that i immeadiately feel different than them… is this what they call jealousy, i think so, but it gave me a kind of self esteem, to understand that i can’t be his taste…

Put the dope out your head

He asked me in the first five minutes of my visit if I was happy. He still worries, how his no hurt me, so I said yes, because I learned to understand that longer periods of unhappiness will be always a part of my life. Because i am living so intensively at the moment, i can’t avoid the rythm of high mountains and deep valleys. I couldn’t tel him, that when he asked this question, that I am quite happy, but at that moment I only felt the sorrow of our separation emerging from deep inside.

Put the dope out your head

I love him from a distance, not possessively anymore, he can’t hurt me anymore, he is not my hunter anymore who killed me, he is as a deer to me, only he doesn’t know.

Put the dope out your head

He was as an artist to me. An artist who opened my eyes for the beauty of the world. He has a talent to write and to lose himself in his feelings when he was with me. But he became angry and agressive when i said that i thought, he had an artist soul. he felt that I attacked him. because he wants to be normal, like everyone. But I think, he is not normal, on the contrary. He has a very sensitive soul.

Put the dope out your head

I let him go, but i never let go of this present he gave me.

i’m writing in the nighttrain to vienna, the hat i bought in new york, the bag is my birthday present of andre last year, and functions as my house.