united sorry

How to heal a hurt ego, that’s the question of the moment. Or is it, how to listen to the jumps of the heart, the heart, which feels a lot, but doesn’t know. I feel, I am on a quest for the impossible. No hope, no fear. A. said when I left for the trip. So here I am, sitting in the train, in the middle of Austria. Mountains and villages pass my eye, retracing my past, retracing my source of love and sorrow.

Put the dope out of your head

Just finished the tour in Salzburg with Anne Teresa. Working with her, is like constantly testing your own ego. How much can you think and go a long with a person, who is self centered, in making her artistic choices. How can you fit in, without getting hurt and taking things too personally? When you are in the process it can be hard, afterwards it feels always as a good experience. But I discovered, I can only be there, when I really trust my own background. So I am happy that I am also working as an independent artist, outside this project giving space to my own ideas and sensitivities without any censor. Sometimes I feel like an immigrant who must fit in a society with another culture, another way of behavior.

let’s talk a bit about me being in a situation, where other people are in the position to control what happens. That’s not easy. For instance my falling in love with persons, who design their live along their own rules and expect me to join. And being raised by a loving mother, whose fears controlled me for years. My life quest is how to stay myself with people, who can only tolerate some parts of me.

And now, I try to enter the life of someone who never looked for contact anymore. Why can’t I accept this decision of the other. What makes me force to go for situations where there is no place for what I feel. It is an interesting situation. Love, friendship. Since I want to explore what it means to love unconditional, I force to go for my hearts desires, and I am curious to what I can do in situations I cannot control.

I must look inside, because I feel blind. I am feeling.

Yes, at the moment it feels like I am in a stagnation period. I must let go, but to let go, I think, I must act and see what happens with me, when I really confront myself with the person I missed for such a long time.

As a child I knew that the stars could only be brighter, and we would get closer, leaving this darkness behind. Now that I am older, the stars light upon my face. Feeling. Feeling.

As a kid, I always wanted to go to the mountains. And at last, when I was at the top of one mountain, I wanted to go to another mountain. This is what my mother said about me.

But to be honest the trip I am in now is not about fulfilling desires. It is about conquering my fears.

Love is losing game.

I loved my husband, so much, and now I am so very far away. My soul forced me to leave home. And go to unexpected places. I would say love is wonderful but not easy.

at the airport in munich after one night of not sleeping, but clubbing. still shining eyes.