united sorry

THis note is written last saturday

Again I am sitting in the train, now to Paris. These days, after saying goodbye to my very practical longings in love, I asked myself What is my reason to go on living? I must reposition myself to the world, and to my work, and to my friends. I discovered something annoying about myself. The fact that I can easily lose myself in a project, in a meeting with a person has its negatives sides.  Because I feel immediately guilty towards my other projects, and the promises I gave to other people. As if I must be with all the people, I meet somehow on my travels. I find it extremely difficult to stay with myself and not be bothered by what I do.

Last night I didn’t show up at a meeting promised to come and I walked out a performance I didn’t like. Both actions annoyed me deeply. But I felt totally distracted after having seen a performance of Castellucci, with a scene of child abuse. The performance came to close.

Why do I make theatre or even art? This is such a stupid simple and annoying question, Of course to find beauty, where I didn’t expect it. So I can recreate my thinking about the world and about people. The beauty lies in the unknown, to find forms for the uncontrolled.

I love the vulnerability of the body, when I move. I look for a sense of silence when I move. But is that enough to give the public? What does it make, that I am not ashamed anymore to move, act, and sing in front of the audience, without any education to do all these things. What makes me so sure that people will accept it? I am not so sure, but I only accept that it is the choice of the public to go with me or not, and that I only can surrender to what I do. To believe in it?

Only when you believe in something it will work in the theatre. That makes theatre such a challenge. Because what do you believe?  I believe that people must speak more with their heart, show themselves more in who they are, in their desires and fears. I look for this in the theatre. So, unfortunately a lot of my work deals with my own fears and desires.

I think there is a beauty in showing, almost as if there is a kind of purifying transcendence in analyzing your own emotional household or  the emotional household, you project on others.

Nothing I do on stage is rationalized or even justified by theory. But it is what comes uncensored from the inside, but then always in stylized sequence, in something made aesthetical, as a communicative form towards the audience.

I want to express something without knowing what it will be at the end. It is just a slight notion, a desire to move something. And to find new words for it.  I am not questioning, but I try to listen very well, to what wants to emerge from the inside.

And because I am a 100% autodidact, I learn about composing by doing. I try to identify with the public, what they will experience by following a piece from the beginning to the end.

And to be honest, before I start with everything I already fixed myself a specific idea abot structuring space and time. So for our new piece that is to be fixed on two spots, facing each other from far away, six hours long, without any break.