united sorry

last evening i do my new solo in berlin, as a try out. it started happily the first evening, but it becomes more and more difficult. yesterday i thought it went well for me, but not for the whole public. i saw faces in the audience, which i interpreted as totally irritated.

the solo is also a fine line between talking about myself, and investigating the mind. when it goes wrong it seems very narcistic. and still i am hesitating between a lecture for people who are interested in dance or a performance for a normal public.

and do i abuse sebastian, to talk about him and his death in this solo, that it is more my desire to be with him, than that this feeling is shared by both of us. he is dead now, so everything stays in my imagination, and i know when i was so in love with stefan, and i wrote so many emails to him, and he did not answer anymore, even did not read them anymore, i still was writing and writing, cultivating my own desire. it was not about stefan anymore, but about my desire for stefan. i go for my desires, but where must i stop.
i can’t stop. i embrace this following my desires as a tool to lose myself, to disappear, to die, in the same way as my favourite poet rumi formulates it.

but how to make a solo of my desire to dissolve, to melt, to die.

what is it, what i want to show to the public. at the start, that was clear, i made it as a lecture demonstration for the students and colleagues, to show how i dance, or why i dance. and hope to get in dialogue with them about how they dance, and make work.

but now, i want again and again, show myself in all my attempts to forget myself, to die, to transcend to another realm. in the hope it will touch the audience somewhere and allow them to reflect on their own.

still one night to try-out. robert