united sorry

i am in new york now, outside it starts to snow, from my room i see the empire state buidling in a curtain of falling snowflakes, it is a very comforting image, meanwhile you could say, it is raining in my heart. i feel sad, very sad  and i let this feeling run through out all my body, i discover it is something between hurt and shame.

It is my way of dealing with the post production phase. My ego had definitely been hurt during the process of mking this peice in Frnce,  i discovered i am  a very difficult person to work with, when i become insecure about what i can do. Without wanting to obstruct i nevertheless was first very passive and later i got stiff and fragile.

Big confrontations were avoided, but nevertheless i felt the disappointment or the worries about how the process was going, somewhere under my skin, and i had not the courage to open the discussion about it. I knew it was most of al the problem of my hurt ego.

at the very last moment i felt the strength to forget everything that worried me, and i regained the pleasure  to perform for a public. Allthough i learned some french during these months, i felt an outisder,  because it still  cost me a lot of energy to understand what everyone says, and most of the time i felt incapable of what was going on inside me. It made the bubble of insecurity around me bigger, and i think this language problem increased much of my isolation and awkwardness in the process.

but  i am hap i have done it, it was a very good learning experience to be so much confronted with your own behavior and i want to know how it is to be a performer. Since i start to direct theatrepieces in leipzig I must learn to learn to stimulate the actors and for this i must be in the position of an actor myself.

It was  very nice to perform immediately – with jetlag  and all, two houres after my arrival- something little in the benefit event for miguel.  i did something totally improvised, although it was something which belongs to my last solo. I started to feel home again in the silent space of the stage. I felt free  and like the last time in the judson church in new york, it became really a dancy piece again. yes i like to move my butt here in new york.

this week, i work with maria, to prepare  a  show in 2010, i will meet some people. i feel very connected with a young generation here, and i will do all my emails, i didn’t do for weeks, because of the problems of being a performer. my sadness can dissolve, i suppose, in just take my time to do my things.

looking to the snowflakes falling, it always remind me of the death of my mother, when in my dreams the snow covered her body and eliminated all the colours and sharp forms of the world.