united sorry

i thought i married the silence a few days ago, it seemed very appropriate to me, since i declared myself to be dead. but last night i understood that it is about a different marriage. In my body and in my mind, my desire to move wants to marry with silence, and i already disappeared from the scene. I am not longer there, i am not even the witness anymore who say yes to this marriage. There is something inside me, that wants to move, to live,to dance and there is something inside me, that wants to be silent, doing nothing, perhaps listening, sensing. And these two entities love each other, need each other, and want to marry with each other, and i let it happen.

I am not going to rule from my grave. i stay in the cave of death, in the triangle between deer, bear and hunter, it becomes really a quartet.

strangely enough, i think that the movement, or the impulse to move settled itself in the left side of my body, and the silence in the right side, and that the movement is female and the silence is male. but i also feel that it can change this , and that this change changes the quality of the movement and the silence, although i am dead there is a still a lot to observe now, but even this observer wants to die, to disappear, when you would look me in the eye, no one will be there anymore,

i suddenly think about my two solo’s, the first about the death of my father was about silence, the second about my falling in love about movement. now i am dead, i must reincarnate in a combination of these two’s, i guess.

home in amsterdam, in the boat of andre, the curtains closed, my vision remains inside, yesterday i came back ou tof helsinki and today i try to sleep a lot, is there a difference between dying, sleeping and dreaming.

oh, i try to die every moment of the day. it is wonderful. i can advise it everyone.