united sorry

this week we started again with the rehearsals of feminine delight. It is not easy, because my task is to discipline myself, my body, my mind, i must learn a lot of new things, just by doing them over and over. I must forget myself in the repetition of actions, without thinking about a possible reward afterwards. Of course i have a certain image, let say vision about this, but i force myself not to dream about it, i just work hard,
so i am just doing and doing, just disciplining myself, totally busy with myself, it looks like a nice way to escape the dangers and weaknesses of life, i can not see friends, have dinners etc. I just concentrate at building a strong body, if that is still possible when you are 49 and a strong will powered mind, if that is posible if you are addicted to questioning. so at the end i could say, here am i, i can protect myself, everything is under control.
but now i discovered, that i discipline my body to face the dark places of my mind. Not to run anway from them, just to face them, and say, i am ready to discover my dark nature.

I am wondering, why the making of a performance totally occupies my daily life, and why i can not chose the role, i want to play, but i have to wait for the moment, the role appears to me, clear and threatening this time.

dark times need dark perfromances.