united sorry

 

It was years ago i found the deer in my imagination. i did a therapy about youth memories, because i planned to make a performance with older women from morocco, who lived in Holland,  about how they stll remember their homeland.

unfortunately i did not get any money to make this project, because they thought in that time it was political incorrect what i wanted, buti the best thing of it was that i stayed in therapy. ( a physical one).

During the sessions, I always could decide what we were going to do, one day i did not want to do anyhting, i felt only tired, very tired. so i said to my therapist that i did not want to do anything, that i was too tired. so we did not do anything, she was silent, i was silent. i was looking forward to do a payed hour of doing nothing.

at a certain moment, i felt so tired, i had to lay down on the ground, and i sighed that i wanted to die ( already in that time), my therapist said: well, go ahead. so my breathing became deeper, more dramatic, pathetic, even chaotic, and graspy. And then suddenly my body took over, with a much lighter kind of breathing, a very refreshing one, and at the same time, i had this vision of a young deer , jumping around in a young fresh meadow.

i must think about this first encounter moment, now i am in the cave of death, sitting next to the deadly wounded body of the deer. When i saw him this first time in my vision, he still was young, now he was an adult, not too old, he died in the blossom of his life.

i still can not accept it and feel a lot of sadness.