united sorry

wednesday / angers, hotelroom

Three days ago I wrote that I want to be too much.
Two days ago I discovered in the bathroom of my hotel room, that my bodyweight supposed to be 99 kilo. I am afraid the wheighter was a little bit in its overdrive, but nevertheless I was shocked, that’s really too much, I thought, I must do some daily fitness, I must move much more, certainly with my profession.

But I also discovered I feel very well, with how my body is at this moment, I don’t feel uncomfortable with it.

So at last it happened, I can accept the extreme waves of my bodyweight.
I am not busy anymore how I look and think of myself. But I get more and more intrigued by the question how I can contribute something positive to the world.

Is making art, a way to contribute something to change the world? Is my interest in shamanism a creative way to help the world, without getting stuck in prejudices, disbelief, cynicism,

Let’s find out by getting very, very practical.

Thursday / hotelroom in paris

Imagine, I am half deer, half human. I am worried, angry, enthusiastic. I am everything you do not expect me to be. I cam violent, aggressive. I decided not to accept anymore the fear of not being oneself.

My feet are trembling, air comes out of my nose, I erect my head, straigthen my neck and I ask you, directly in the face: why do victims want to make other victims (of their loneliness)

And how beautiful it is, when I see you saying no.

A clear no to this endless circle of being abused and abusing others.

This no makes me so happy.

Yes I saw in the smile of your face, that it is possible not to be afraid anymore.

There is a way out.

For you.
For me.
For us.
For the others.
Is there any difference between you an me, us and the others.

I don’t think so.

It is just a habit that we think there is a separation.

Friday / In the train to Amsterdam.

I still love you.
And now it’will be my task
To spread what I learned by loving you.

Never stop falling
Falling in love.
Never stop believing
Believing in the unknown.

But, it’s time.
To get more active.

I must teach / perform / write / love / listen / say the right words at the right time

My actions will be like prayers.

Yes, I must act.

Tonight I will travel to the desert of loneliness
I will see the dying, the sick, and the miserable.

I will bring my deer.
I will play hide and seek with wolves.
I will spit with the snakes.
The poison of disillusion.

Yes, I will dance within my mind.
My body already died, a long time ago.
Because there is nothing anymore to hold on

Monday / In the train to Berlin

I feel vulnerable.
As if something in my body slowly changes..
It seems I become more transparent.
My hands get easily dry.
My feet get easily dry.
I start to feel the electricity coming out of my hands, my feet.

I miss you.
You died more than a year ago.
And now I am here.
Waiting for you to announce yourself.
In the hearts of people.
Your daughter, all your girlfriends, boyfriends.

And I did my discovery.
I still love him.
The man with the grey hair.
Already for so long.
Again and again.
I do not want him to suffer anymore.
His heart became pure gold.

My hands are so dry.
My feet are dry.
I feel my lower back.