united sorry

And suddenly he was there, in the cave of death, the hunter. He could not resist his desire to look for the deer, which he had killed so deeply. He could not live anymore, he was obsessed by the idea, that he killed the thing he loved most, and he did not understand his own agresssion anymore.

He knew it somehow had to do with his father. His father, who he had to escape, when he was young. He was always waiting for his father, to share an intimacy with him, but his father could not provide it.

And now the deer had looked right into his heart, and found there the wound pf the lonely child, the child without hope, the child who did not believe its life was worth living, it was this child he could not face, desperately he tried to live, with all his efforts, but it was an artificial, made up life, which cost all his energy, and suddenly there were the eyes of the deer, who said to him: you can rest now, because you found your love, you missed for a long time, and that will be enough. this love will take care of you. your cover up, your artificial life can die now.
the hunter became crazy, he did not trust love anymore, he thought he must remain in control, he could not face his death, the moment he loved the dear, he became aware of his own vulnerability, his own finity.

how to obey the heart, when your life is controled by your head. he had no idea anymore, since he killed the deer. He could not stay in the realm of the living, with this unsolved question in his mind. so he entered the cave of death and found the deer there, laying on the lap of the bear.

hat to do? he changed the compostion of sitting, he took the dear, put his head on his lap and he put himself against the chest and belly of the bear who embraced him. he smelled the breath of the bear, he felt the ephemeral body of the dear floating around him. and he knew, i do not know anymore what to do, the only thing i can do is doing nothing anymore, just surrender myself to this situation.

and at this moment i came in the picture again, i fond my characters, the bear, the deer and the hunter sitting together, in an embrace of running energies, and i thought, they are all me, the deer, the hunter and even the bear. they are all parts of me, and still i can not get them in dialogue with each other.

and till this is not done, i will face problems in my life, with finding the right love, with getting the right capacity to surrender on the right moments. I must  find my creativity , my sexuality, my passion, my whole life-energy in an embrace with my desire to die. And now i declared myself death. already for some weeks…
i want to die, i want to live, and this threesome is my first attempt to become a new someone, who at the same time can lose myself, is not afraid to die.
yes i want to lose myself, in you my beloved one, who is somewhere deep inside me, but also somewhere in the world outside, and one day, the in and outside will melt together. i am sure.
and till that moment, i ask all the people to forgive me, when in hurt them just because i was not in harmony with myself and with them.

two pictures out of my hotelroom in Helsinki, made by my new camera given by andre and eric for christmas. it snowed in Helsinki, at last i meet the winter this year, and i love it.