united sorry

breakfast in the morning, a slight hang over, i placed my laptop on the table, without a waiter saying, “sir this is a restaurant”. so i am happy.

i feel at home here, perhaps because i stay a foreigner, here in new york, i am automatically more on my own here, thinking, observing, learning, wondering how to continue living.

where does this eagerness to know come from. as a child the teachers were fond of me, because i had always this curiosity, i was always interested, i wanted to learn everything, and now i still have this attitude, and life became my teacher, and life says to me, “robert figure it out by yourself please, thats the new didactic method”, i even must discover what i want to learn from life. what is it what i want to know.

i want to know how to escape suffering, loneliness, feeling unhappy. i discovered that i am a being that always want to be happy, or at least to be at ease with myself or with my situation. because we can not always take drugs or alcohol, or be in love with someone, there has to be something in ourselves, that gives us this feeling of being happy with ourselves.

i think the answer lays in a mental change, in a change in thinking, but how to become free to think unconditionally, not influenced or manipulated by habits and fears.

and when does knowledge doesn’t stay knowledge in the head, but become the base of your whole being.

i did some deer walks here in the surrounding, it is wonderfull, the deer likes to walk through an industrial, trashy, urban ladscape.