united sorry

The feeling of loneliness: how to live this burning sensation of missing some one? When I am working, I am able to forget. To be alone is not an issue anymore when I am exhausted of rehearing, but when I take break and I am not home in Amsterdam or Vienna or even in New York, but I am in a residency somewhere else, in a room which is not of my own, the loneliness catches me from the back, I immediately remember the intimacy of my former married life, together with A, for so many years, I gave it all up for a yearning, a longing, a passion I looked for so desperately, yes, I know I had no choice, I had to leave home to go in the world.

I feel like a wrongly cast version of Dorothy in the wizard of Oz. But where are my red shoes to click them three times to go home, and what must I learn on the way.
There is still a side of me, which didn’t appear on the surface in my traveling, it is still in the dark, in the shade of my existence, strongly suppressed, and to be disconnected from this part in the dark is or shall I say was my greatest loneliness. I needed so many people to find this hidden part in me, I thought that in contact with other people, this part of myself would appear by itself, but it didn’t, and now I must do it myself, I must go down the ladder inside me, catching up this man in the cellar of my dreams an fears, and let him know I totally accept him, that I trust everything I say, although I was a long time afraid of him, I am ready to listen to his voice, how violent and dark his thoughts will be, I can accept them now, and I know that what happened in his past, it can’t never be forgotten. Yes, the feeling of being alone has its source in my childhood and I must go back to that time and speak as a loving adult to the hurt boy I was then.