berlin blues
written on Monday, February 23rd, 2009
I am in berlin for this moment, having the blues.
what made me like this?
I saw two movies, which touched me a lot. the first movie was “waltz with Bashir”, a beautiful portray of men, remembering what they did in the war. second: “making money”, a revealing documentary about global neo-kapitalism, the time we are living in, quite depressing, because it seems difficult to stop these kind of criminal behavior of only a small group of people.
But even more depressing was what happened in between the two movies. Saturday i had a date with someone,with whom i wanted to work and we ended the evening in an disturbing gay bar, where people all the time run around with hungry eyes, some of them showing their dick or their ass to seduce. I discovered how tensed i become in such places, immediately i get totally a-sexual.i feel very uncomfortable and out of place. It is difficult to feel connected with the people, i see a buch of lonely people and i wonder why i can’t feel any compassion for them.
when i see the heroin addicts on the streets of vienna, i have immediately compassion, i see their machismo, their thinking of being alternative, but it doesn’t bother me. i pity them, because i know there is almost no way back for them. But i get annoyed with this sex addicted men in the bar, perhaps, i makes me feel so lonely and i remember immediately the hugeness of my former love sickness -about not being with the person i desired for so long-
i think that’s why i hated it there so, i recognise so much the addiction to get intimate ,i feel so much loneliness, powerabuse and insecurity in this gay ghetto of people living on drugs and sexual encounters. i thought all the time , let’s go out. but i stayed, frozen, watching my companion, who says he feels totally at home and free there, getting more and more drunk.
so, i have the blues. and i kno, it has to do with the work, i just came from leipzig to prepare a project and a lot of ideas emerged in my mind, so it is incubation period, a period of loneliness, sadness, and taking care of myself…
i had a very good sleep last night at eric’s house, and we listened to nice records we bought on the fleemarket, life is good to me…
working in the ktichen, it is four o’clock and already dark… i go for a coffee.