united sorry

Ricardo, a very dear and intimate friend made this portrait of me, deep in the night, in an apartment in new york, he makes a photoserie of men who intrigues him in the new york gay scene. I am not part of that, but i am happy that i can be part of his work, this portray is not part of the serie, it is justa protray of how i look to him.

i am in amsterdam, teaching and staying with my husband for two weeks, the rest of the year i will be gone, travelling, working, develloping my aesthetics in theatre and life. i feel happy at this moment by what life brings me. I feel that since my birthday a new life started.

Immediately after my birthday i went to Berlin to teach for one day. Then i presented a conference about the diva body in Amsterdam and immediately after that i went for a week to New York. And i still am thrilled by what happened in new york. I did a solo there, in the judson church, because Frans could not come with me, he just got his second child, and stayed with his family in vienna, so i did a remix of our work, and i performed alternately myself and him. I discovered, it was very nice to act as if i danced like Frans. It went very well, afterwards i received nice reactions of the public, i even had a wonderful review in the new york times. I started to discover that i must connect totally to what i do on stage. That it is good to make diary notes about what you do on stage, to explore the subconscious about it. I think, it is an expression of something which is in you but can not understood or controled before you really do it.

I change a lot lately. I feel strong, but i notice that i want to explore the snake, the devil in disguise, the nasty one in me, to express this side on stage. I immediately feel that this ambition changes my behavior also outisde stage. i notice that i start to react bitchy, when something happens i do not like. For instance when i see work of a student who is always very critical and arrogant to the work of others, and i do not like it, i immediately tell him why i think his work is stupid. I do not censor myself anymore. I feel poisonous, defining my territory.

This fact disturbs me a lot. In the middle of the night i woke up and said to A. : i was so nasty to a student. i am so sorry. Why do i do this?

so again, I must analyze myself. Who is this new robert, who gets quickly irritated, or feels the need to express his own borders, and doesn’t want to accept any shit around him anymore. who is this man, and why does he want to isolate himself from people who do not interest him anymore.

it’s hard to believe that’s me. but it is.