united sorry

i am sitting in my little room at the attic of the theatre in leipzig. we just did a run for some people, now i am collecting my things, to go to berlin. tomorrow i will fly to salzburg to perform with anne teresa.

but now i want to recover. it was a stormy week, i was totally absorbed by the process of making a theatrepiece, and at the same time recovering of a clubnight in berlin with a lot of drugs.

i love drugs, they make me weak, they make me dream, but especially they make me feel what love and friendship can be when the fear for the other is gone. i get totally lose in the body, and an enormous energy takes over. i feel as a performer who wants to impress by wild dancing.

at this clubnight i learned how selfindulgent i can be in my falling in love. I discovered that it even has nothing to do with the other when i fall in love. I am just in love with the feeling of falling in love, i am hooked to this feeling and it is difficult to let go of this addiction.

i ask forgiveness to S. for chasing him for such a long time…

but i still am a warrior in love, but i discovered, it is better to become a perfect warrior, the one who has patience, who doesn’t force things, the one who can wait…. and listens to the other, without any fear or projection

something else, or perhaps it is part of it, last evening i woke up in the middle of th enight, moving like a snake, making hissing sounds, i felt like a snake in its nest looking for his eggs. When i fell asleep again, i had a chain of nightmares, the most rotten ones, with objects flying into my body only to make huge damage there. there is still so much fear in me, i woke up again, totally relaxed, with a flexible spine, my head rotating in a different direction than my shoulders, ribcage and hips, i felt happy. for a moment.