jet lag blues
written on Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
i am laying on bed, checking my emails, new york city is waiting, but i am slightly depressed, the only solution is to stand up, move a little, take a shower, but there is chewing gum inside my mind which wants to stick at this feeling of being disconnected with everything that surrounds me.
funny, i am making two pieces about sensual connection, but my senses are dumb, feel like out of order, the only thing i can think of now is the feeling of disconnection, a feeling of selfpity of not being at home with the world around me. I know it is my character when i am in a state where a lot of things and desires didn’t work out yet, but it is also the jet lag, and it feels stupid to let myself sink in this mood,
so here i go, wake up robert, it’s another day to work on your pieces, to observe your capacity to connect, do something, even dance your feeling of disconnection for god sake….do something.
why is there always this feeling of loss in me, you should think that at a certain moment trauma’s are definitely over, aren’t they. i must live with this feeling of loss, i start to discover that this feeling of loss is a fear to stay alone and independent.
i am looking for a way to connect with people and the world which has nothing to do with dependency, despair, or looking for people who help you cleaning the mess and the dirt. I have to become my own father for the child which felt abused so many times.
and i must discover why i never satisfied by what i have?
