united sorry

one time my heart broke. When someone said no to me, i heard it cracking. afterwards i moved for houres in his kitchen to keep myself under control. that’s my past

of course i still miss him not daily, but for sure once or twice a week, this wound will never heal, i think, it became part of my system how to percieve the world, my art, my lovers.

but now something defenitely changed in me.

the man, i thought he was and who i admired so much, becomes more and more the person, i think i can become myself. i don’t need such a person anymore to exist.

perhaps i can live on my own now. my broken heart became my strength. Broken as it is, it is open to the world and i will never close it again.

i didn’t drink now for more than two weeks, and i start to feel a difference in my perception of the world. I am able to stop my thinking loops more easily, just by concentrating on the silence in my body. Still it is difficult to write a lot, i live from moment to moment, and when something isn’t absolutely necessary to do, i just do nothing. i dont know why. But i trust it will change, in a way, i still have the desire to finish things, or write to people who are already for a long time waiting for me. but i do’t do it. autumn is coming in vienna. the suns is still shining, but the tempearture lowers down.

how lonely can you be, sitting for three houres in a bagel cafe, writing a subvention txt, because the deadline was today. at the moment almost no one is there, and i must go to a rehearsal, to work with bodybuilders for an act at the dance-night in vienna.

I hesitated to buy the fashion glossy purple this time, it is too much money for not so much interviews and at the moment money is a kind of problem. but then i bought it, because there is an interview with jodorowski. For two years already i am occupied with what this man represents: his books, films, and especially his terminology like the word psychomagic: this refers to a shamanistic performance practrice to change patterns of being. Seeing my work, people suggested me to visit him in paris, but i never did. Now when i read his interview i feel a kind of regret as if I am too late , because  he is in fashion again. So i am still not this open source guy who is happy when ideas emerge at others ,  before he kristallized his own thoughts about it in a tangible form.

when i perform in new york, people always say to me that i must contact the radical fairy movement, and join their assemblees,> So now i am thinking that i should  make a connection between jodorowski and the radical fairies. but i also want  to learn the deer dances of the indigineous people in mexico. and now i am researching the presence of the performer in space ( gallery or stage), inspired by the work of abraham hurtado and yvone dröge wendl. i think i have to much ideas at the moment.

working with frans in the leopoldmuseum, for a small action in the Tanznacht. How two realities meet. Frans with his child, in front of a picture of egon schiele, portaraing a dead mother, with one dead child and one living child. Our challenge will be to investigate where this kind of art influences aor thinking about ou daily life.

dear reader of this blog, for long i didn’t write a blog or actualise the website, because i was wondering how to go on. I felt, tt was time to change things again. After the first attempts to combine theatre, dance, shamanism, by making the personal an example of human existence, it became time to explore other perspectives in our work.

and i felt that changing the work demands also another website, so i had no energy to keep th eold version update. but now i have found something new, so slowly i will rewrite the txts, the context of information etc.

there is still this strong wish to disappear in the work, to objectify the personal presence in the work, in the dance and in my writings. But i leave  the self created deathrituals for what they are, although i will use them still in some of the performances and workshops.

But now i am concentrating  on the physical presence on stage, and the consequences of living and making work out of silence. how to make movements and tetxts which come from silence and how to bring the public into this mindstate of silence.

i consider silence as a creative non descript state of infinite possibilities, which we can’t controle.

i stopped drinking alcohol ten days ago, to research what kind of effect this will have on my mind. Alcohol made me less sensitive to sense the impact of silence.

is it possible to dance with your body the same way as  a magician uses his hands to hypnotize the public. Daily life is magic, so let’s call this way of dancing: Tanz Konkret

In a very cheap shop i bought  these glasses. i don’t want to wear my lenses all the time anymore and  also because i like to look like a real artist, with heavy black glasses kike for instance as aa bronson. I am not in poodles, and i don’t have a friend with such a long beard, and my own beard isn’t as long as his, but alike him  i am quite interested in massaging the ass from the perspective of the tantric body.

i am living my phantasies, my lies, my ecstacy, i am living everything people asked me to avoid to do, i decided just to do it, without getting hurt or hurting other people, i gave myself the permission to forget who i am, was, so i am now among the palm trees and glasses of mezcal and i will die in your arms, and never return.

it is seven years ago that my father died, and i decided to stop curating theatre and i made the step of only making performances by my own. now i am in mexico, for the first time in my life, a little out of space, and i am happy that i have some time of, before the conference starts here.

Already a long time i was thinking that i must redefine what i do. and now i take some time to reflect about life and work. I found out that this was necassary, because i discovered i become more and more shy on stage. That is for me a sign, that i must reposition myself to what i am doing. In the performance in graz and also in paris, i strated with a very personal text. personal in the sense that the assoicationsgive by the words , immediately seem to give acces to my disturbed inner emotional life. And i felt naked, more naked than i would dance naked i think.

i want to reveal what is inside to show deeper how a consciousness works. In this particular insight i hope to show something more universal, i show myself as part of the whole, with my desires and fears.

but i feel somehow that i am ending a certain period in my life, but which one, the nomad life.

yes, i give my self a nice time of.

so i am exhausted, after a show in fondation cartier, a conference at the sndo, and a brief encounter with eagle ager in new york. it is time to rest, but also to rethink what i do everywhere and nowhere.

because we do now a lot of in short period made pieces, i learn a lot about what works and doesn’t work. And i also discover that i get shy to confront the public with material which is really fresh. I like this autistic state when i see other performers, but i don’t like it when i see myself doing it.

yesterday evening i was really happy to learn that what we do never is isolated form the world outside, from the trees outside the buidling, the noise of the street, the sound of the house music on the other side of the street. and i learned that i love to dance, when martin plays his guitar, and we both don’t know where it will lead us, but we inform each other where we are heading. with frans and martin i found two guys with whom i can feel free. With Frans it is about sharing the same mental state of making something together, of looking at each other, to give space to each others phantasy. With Martin it is about finding the same sensitivity, the  to deepen the atmosphere which emerges and brings it to a deep emotional state. Probably we will work all three together in this semi-improvised setting at the leopold museum in Vienna, in a space with the paintings of egon schiele.

i like to dance, it brings me to a state of tenderness or violence. It is nice to find a tender of violent timing in the body, in your own perception of space. And i like to write. By writing i want to reveal the subconscious, not only of myself, but also of my culture, our society. In what kind of world do i live, as a nomadic artist, travelling form one city to another.

Everywhere i meet nice people, people with an open mind, or an open face, or a open heart, or a combination of all this, but i feel reluctant to really get in dialogue, because i am a traveller.

yes, i easily can fall in love, in every city, i think my work is a lot about falling in love. Falling in love with an idea, with a work of art, with seing my colleagues.

And now, i am just exhausted, sitting in a cafe in paris, where they have wifi, so after one week of being of line, i can do some administration

.

it is one o’clock , and i drink a white wine, to convince myself, that it is holiday

yesterday we discovered that the city of vienna doesn’t give us money for one year. A theatre in vienna proposed us to ask this kind of subvention. So we will stay very freelance next year, following the path where the opportunities are. It is always hard to hear a no, but i stay happy as (the korean shaman) Hiah Park told me to do, the morning before.

i am now in leipzig, for the local premiere of die Box, just before i was for a few days in Graz, to check out if i could work with actors/friends of Theater im Bahnhof. So i am suddenly in involved in text theatre, learning to write more and more in german.

Something changed, inside me, as always. For days i felt that i had already died. I was aware of my skeleton in my body as if i was a character of a bad horror movie, and a lot of things happened to me as if they happened to some-one else. Not a bad feeling, on the contrary, i felt very inspired by this alienation of life.

yesterday i said goodbye to Ali in a cafe, very close to the station in Vienna, because he would go by night train to Berlin, and there I met a friend of him, a beautiful person, who i checked later on you tube, reading his own poetry in galleries. I was immediately inspired by the direct speech of this man, and couldn’t sleep. The talk i had with hiah park about making work without wanting to define a form, and his very concentrated personal way of presenting poems came together in a desire to change my approach to work. I want to present txts and movements as wild and formless as they can be, a an uncensored communication channel of the soul, direct , without shame, totally in the moment. I must work a lot, to find my own style in this , but i got already some ideas… Spring is still in the air and i must use it.

In Paris i discovered by accident – i had a ticket for the Calder exhibition, and the same ticket also gave entrace to a big Kandinsky overview- that i liked a lot the paintings of the last period of Kandinsky. I bought a card of one of them. And ten days later i stayed in a hotelroom in Graz with a poster of a painting out from the same period.

a half day of in paris, means to get very cultural, i went to the calder exhibition in pompidou, i already read about it in a dutch newspaper, and i was curious to his circus puppets, and the film which was made of his playing with these puppets. it was funny, touching and brought me easily in a happy mood. but there was also a kandinsky exhibition, and because the ticket is for every exhibition i entered. I was not really interested, and thought well lets check out all these famous paintings, i had to study when i studied russian and russian art. i saw the russian period, the bauhaus period, and i wasn’t really concentrated. i recognized what i learned, blablabla, i was tired of walking all day and than it suddenly happened,  like calder made amazing work after he visited the atelier of mondriaan, in the same way kandinsky changed his work, moving to paris and meeting miro. i was shocked and touched, his paintings with little organisms, morphic forms, his circles into black, it opened my heart, i saw again the full coloured manifestation of the life energy as i’ve seen in my ayuasca visions. happy shiny forms, small details, small organic forms, it made my day.  and now i thought how to end the day. I could go to a gay sauna – to relax! – or go to the holy mountain of jederowsky, a movie i like to see already for a long time,  i only saw some fragments on the internet, so  i decided to do more culture, and go to the cinema… no sweat, no watching men hunting each other, but go for some psycho-magic entertainment.

is this my new life?

i am in Paris, preparing five projects in the same time, and to be honest i like it. I really feel confident about everything in the future. A dangerous feeling, but perhaps it is just the start of the spring, what makes me like this. i have the feeling i can start again, with new energy, new ideas, and instead of imagining my work as a tree that grows, i suddenly see my work as grass, a landscape of grass, which you hardly see growing, but it grows all the time. where does this idea of growth come from? why do people , and certainly i , always have this desire that we our growing, that our live isn’t in a stagnation. After the piece in leipzig, something changed in my mind, the process of dying seems to be out of my system, i died already so many times on stage, and now suddenly i want to flourish, play, show a lot of different colours, energies, contrasts, life energy as pure as it can be.

i bought in vienna the catalogue of paul thek, but immediately gave it to a dear friend, who reminds me a lot of him, then i was in amsterdam, but the catalogue was sold out totally, i heard the book was 20 euro’s more expensive than in vienna, than i went to the centre pompidou bookstore, i stood thrity minutes in line to get into the building, then they had only one item, the clients item to watch it, so it was already in a bad condition, but i bought it, because i already started reading it in vienna, and it was now thrity euro’s more expensive than in vienna. but i am happy reading it now.

thirty minutes on line in a starbucks coffeeshop, just to check the necessary emails, my back starts to hurt of carrying the laptop to everywhere, i will go to the calder exhibition now, and enjoy an afternoon of.