united sorry

now i am in helsinki, after a long time wandering around. First i worked my ass of in vienna, to prepare this communityproject in september, then i walked in ireland with a, in the rain and sunshine, really a holiday feeling and now i am in Helsinki, advising Liisa to become her own diva on stage ( together with Frans).

since i decided not longer to fill my life with longing for my big love - i found him, but he is not with me - my life is floating without any aim. ofcourse i dedicate my life to all my projects and to get in harmony with my husband, after all waht happened, but somehow the drive disappeared.

this weekend it was very clear. a whole day alone in a rainy helsinki, i just was walking around without any aim, i stood in the row for a concert of sigur ros, more than an hour, but still i could not get in, i walked to a gay cafe, but when i looked into the space from the outside, i decided it was nothing for me, so i returned my traces, etc.etc. so i was walking in circles, my mind blank.

i discover how much my mind wants to structure my actions, comment my feelings. without giving a meaning to my actions, i feel lost.

i discovered somehting very general, about my work and my life, it looks very simple, but perhaps it has a lot of consequences, i will figure out by wirting about it, hopefully.

my conscioussnes, or creativity, works on three levels, first there is this is this stream of energy, its rough, its sometimes wild, but it always a reaction inside my body to the outside world. its like a child that is still not defined in its actions. then there is the need to chose a form for this energy, a manifestation or let’s say a materialization of this energy in an action of the body, that can be a fysical action, but also a thought. the idea is that when one is aware of the energy and form relation to find a connection which is clear and economical, of at least direct and efficient. it gives birth to the energy in the material world, and in that sense i connect this form finding with the mother. and then there is this third level where i reflect this form towards myself and the outside world, it is reflecting my behavior, trying to understand it, and perhaps to change it. It is a very mental reality and it is related with the concept of grace and elegancy. how to deal with your actions in an elegant way, without being to critical, to yourself and the others. this third level relates to the father. so the mohter grounds the energies in the body in the manifestation of the form, the fathers gives a more spiritual relation, what transcends the moment.

a lot of theory, but i try to incorporate or let’s say test this division in three levels in consciousness in my work, teaching even in my life. but i try to do it slow, and also at the same time, if this kind of theory generates freedom or just another limitation. we will see.

my favourite coffeeplace in helsinki is outside, close to the harbour, the woman who serves the coffee aks tourist prizes, but a second coffee is suddenly very cheap…

yesterday i had time to write in my diary and i discovered that since three weeks i was never alone.  i almost worked all the time, day and night. i feel exhausted, and it feels difficult to carry on, because i need also time to reflect and dream about what we do at the moment, and now we must do everything together, the reflection accompanies the doing. so at the moment i feel stuck in the mud, i feel that i must go through an overwhelming turmoil of different things which we  must do for the project of marie therese, it will be a big communityproject, with hopefully a lot of people participating, but till now we are only seven.  ( and a bunch of kids). so there is indeed a lot to do, also on the organisational side of the project.

but the project is important for me, because it covers all kinf of different mediums, it wants to reveal a specific mentality to create, and it discusses the question how this approach of our work could benefit, or at leats influence the way of thinking about the society and the community.

and i work with new people, i always wanted to work with, like pieter ampe and anne juren, and i hope a lot of others too.

the only way to survive, and to be open enough to create, is to stay in the body, in my case i must go back with my awareness to my belly, this action stops that i doubt to much, or that the mind wanders away.

Pieter and I testing ornaments for marie therese, at the background a painting of Roland. Although it is very hot in Vienna, and beautiful weather, we are in a cellar working which is cold and humid, all my artbooks become bubbling. and i must take a sweater with me.

the last night in paris, i just cleaned the apartment, i packed my stuff and now i must go to bed, because i must wake up very, very early.

paris was good to me, latifa and i had nice rehearsals, in the evening i  hang out with a friend and her son who came from amsterdam and i could see maria from new york several timesto prepare and talk about our performance.

today i just saw the exhibition traces of the sacred in pompidou. it felt like coming home.  suddenly i didn’t consider myself an outsider anymore, on the contrary, i saw the things i am intrested in, the whole time coming back in the work and especially in the thinking of others.

I hadn’t so much time, so i bought the catalogue, and i already underlined some sentences.

very connected with my spiritual search is my love for s. thinking of him makes me weak, vulnerable and happy. but he is not a projection of my desires anymore, since i visited him two weeks ago, and saw his life and his boyfriend, something changed and all i can say is that i love him with all my heart without expecting anything back.

Living in Paris, for a week.
Totally lost, in a mist of going on.
Nothing anymore to dream about.
Or am I wrong here,
Dwelling in a turmoil of nothingness.
Yes, I just want to sleep.
Sleep on the balcony of my despair.
Smelling the forest sweat of your fur.
Disappearing in the comfort of your casual embrace.
You are so big,
And always there.
To protect me, to let me rest.
Is this what love is about?
Or are you only the result of me, not accepting reality as it is.
Fuck reality.

THis note is written last saturday

Again I am sitting in the train, now to Paris. These days, after saying goodbye to my very practical longings in love, I asked myself What is my reason to go on living? I must reposition myself to the world, and to my work, and to my friends. I discovered something annoying about myself. The fact that I can easily lose myself in a project, in a meeting with a person has its negatives sides.  Because I feel immediately guilty towards my other projects, and the promises I gave to other people. As if I must be with all the people, I meet somehow on my travels. I find it extremely difficult to stay with myself and not be bothered by what I do.

Last night I didn’t show up at a meeting promised to come and I walked out a performance I didn’t like. Both actions annoyed me deeply. But I felt totally distracted after having seen a performance of Castellucci, with a scene of child abuse. The performance came to close.

Why do I make theatre or even art? This is such a stupid simple and annoying question, Of course to find beauty, where I didn’t expect it. So I can recreate my thinking about the world and about people. The beauty lies in the unknown, to find forms for the uncontrolled.

I love the vulnerability of the body, when I move. I look for a sense of silence when I move. But is that enough to give the public? What does it make, that I am not ashamed anymore to move, act, and sing in front of the audience, without any education to do all these things. What makes me so sure that people will accept it? I am not so sure, but I only accept that it is the choice of the public to go with me or not, and that I only can surrender to what I do. To believe in it?

Only when you believe in something it will work in the theatre. That makes theatre such a challenge. Because what do you believe?  I believe that people must speak more with their heart, show themselves more in who they are, in their desires and fears. I look for this in the theatre. So, unfortunately a lot of my work deals with my own fears and desires.

I think there is a beauty in showing, almost as if there is a kind of purifying transcendence in analyzing your own emotional household or  the emotional household, you project on others.

Nothing I do on stage is rationalized or even justified by theory. But it is what comes uncensored from the inside, but then always in stylized sequence, in something made aesthetical, as a communicative form towards the audience.

I want to express something without knowing what it will be at the end. It is just a slight notion, a desire to move something. And to find new words for it.  I am not questioning, but I try to listen very well, to what wants to emerge from the inside.

And because I am a 100% autodidact, I learn about composing by doing. I try to identify with the public, what they will experience by following a piece from the beginning to the end.

And to be honest, before I start with everything I already fixed myself a specific idea abot structuring space and time. So for our new piece that is to be fixed on two spots, facing each other from far away, six hours long, without any break.

Sitting in Avignon, in a launderette, because tomorrow I am off to Paris to rehearse with Latifa and I need some clean clothes. I felt fortunate by performing in Avignon. The atmosphere is completely different than most of the festivals, I visited till now. The emphasis is on the content of the performances, and a lot of people in the street come to you and say that they liked your show. It feels that there are a lot of theatre aficionados in the public, It is fun to listen to them.

So I am totally absorbed in the theatre again, and could forget my love sickness very fast, I get experienced.

Thinking of S. I am happy I met him, and I don’t want to become cynical or disappointed about my way of loving people. Life is like this, but it doesn’t mean that answered love won’t exist for me. But you can not force it. And that is something I appreciate very much. I am not in control in this.

Like making theatre. You have a certain intuition to make something, but you never can tell if people will like it or not. In ten days Frans and I will present a new performance of six houres. I am curious. And start to prepare myself.

I think my whole trip to S. and to see him again can help me in making this new performance very strong. There is nothing to lose again.

this is a note, made monday 14th of july

Again in the train, now from Toulon to Avignon , on the right side of me, the Mediterranean is glimmering. The weather here is beautiful. Everything invites you to think of holiday. The trees, the houses. But today is really a day of a lot of stress to me. Just in time I caught the airplane, I had to run, because it took ages before they could give me a ticket, because I was not visible in the computer, in Rom I could hardly find my next plane, because my fight happened to be called a domestic one – although it was definitely not, and I didn’t know the domestic flights are at a different side of the building, then from the airport in France I needed a very fast drive with the taxi to catch my next train, the drives drove like crazy, but now I am sitting here, in the train on my way to Avignon, which will be the next stop. Everything seems to be okay now, although our set for the performance tomorrow is still untraceable, lost by the post.

But what about me, in the middle of all this stress, yes I am still feeling very, very sad about S. It is incredible how sadness still penetrates my system, missing him isn’t so unbearable anymore as four (!) years ago , but still there is this constant pain of being torn in two. Because you other half is not there.

I am not fighting anymore against this emotion of missing him. That will make it only stronger. I just try to let it go, without analyzing it, or thinking about it.. I feel a lot of love for him, he doesn’t have the same feelings, so that’s my reality this moment, how unreal it also sounds..

Tomorrow we will play the Bach piece in Avignon, perhaps with an improvised set, costumes etc. As always, I will be naked for ten minutes, to do my clumsy contact improvisation with Frans. But also this nakedness will be very different this timeI think, and in a very embarrassing way. Because big alarming red bulbs cover my whole bottom. At the beach in Bregenz some insects had fun with my bottom.

Sometimes life isn’t so easy, when you are down and lonely.

implantate

In the train back to Vienna, after visiting Bregenz. I saw my love, who is in love with another man. Strangely enough, it didn’t hurt. I saw that my love has chosen for a side of his character, I was still not in love with. I fell in love, with the poet in him, with the insecure, the astonished, and the lovely tender one. And now he has chosen for the organized one, he trains himself to become the thin one, the not drinking and not smoking one, the so called healthy one. That’s what he shows me. He is still in my heart – since he opened it– but I can leave him alone, together with his new found happiness.

So I am totally free now, starting to understand my path of learning love. Yes, I still want to know how love rules my life. Not fighting against it, on the contrary.

Put the dope out your head

What amazed me a lot was that he said that he didn’t like deer, because his father killed a lot, and there were a lot of deer trophies in his home, when he was a kid. So probably he didn’t want to be confronted with them anymore. I never told him, or lets say he never encourages me to tell, and he doesn’t read the blog, that the whole deer hunter history which I wrote for the blog, was based on our short romance.

Put the dope out your head

I need no pills anymore, for the moment, because i feel full of love.

I trust that love will be like water. It can’t be stopped. It will always try find its way to the ocean. Yes, it sounds pathetic new agy, but when I become the deer in my imagination, I feel so near to the vibrating infinite.

Put the dope out your head

When I saw his boyfriend, it was immediately clear for me why it would never work with us. Perhaps because i must justify his no to me by rationalizations and making up stories, but when i saw them together i felt immediately alienated from them. They represent a different world for me, with different jokes, different visions, even different clothes and hairdo’s. Although i never care about clothes or haido’s of other people. Now i felt totally happy to interprete their outside in a way, that i immeadiately feel different than them… is this what they call jealousy, i think so, but it gave me a kind of self esteem, to understand that i can’t be his taste…

Put the dope out your head

He asked me in the first five minutes of my visit if I was happy. He still worries, how his no hurt me, so I said yes, because I learned to understand that longer periods of unhappiness will be always a part of my life. Because i am living so intensively at the moment, i can’t avoid the rythm of high mountains and deep valleys. I couldn’t tel him, that when he asked this question, that I am quite happy, but at that moment I only felt the sorrow of our separation emerging from deep inside.

Put the dope out your head

I love him from a distance, not possessively anymore, he can’t hurt me anymore, he is not my hunter anymore who killed me, he is as a deer to me, only he doesn’t know.

Put the dope out your head

He was as an artist to me. An artist who opened my eyes for the beauty of the world. He has a talent to write and to lose himself in his feelings when he was with me. But he became angry and agressive when i said that i thought, he had an artist soul. he felt that I attacked him. because he wants to be normal, like everyone. But I think, he is not normal, on the contrary. He has a very sensitive soul.

Put the dope out your head

I let him go, but i never let go of this present he gave me.

i’m writing in the nighttrain to vienna, the hat i bought in new york, the bag is my birthday present of andre last year, and functions as my house.

How to heal a hurt ego, that’s the question of the moment. Or is it, how to listen to the jumps of the heart, the heart, which feels a lot, but doesn’t know. I feel, I am on a quest for the impossible. No hope, no fear. A. said when I left for the trip. So here I am, sitting in the train, in the middle of Austria. Mountains and villages pass my eye, retracing my past, retracing my source of love and sorrow.

Put the dope out of your head

Just finished the tour in Salzburg with Anne Teresa. Working with her, is like constantly testing your own ego. How much can you think and go a long with a person, who is self centered, in making her artistic choices. How can you fit in, without getting hurt and taking things too personally? When you are in the process it can be hard, afterwards it feels always as a good experience. But I discovered, I can only be there, when I really trust my own background. So I am happy that I am also working as an independent artist, outside this project giving space to my own ideas and sensitivities without any censor. Sometimes I feel like an immigrant who must fit in a society with another culture, another way of behavior.

let’s talk a bit about me being in a situation, where other people are in the position to control what happens. That’s not easy. For instance my falling in love with persons, who design their live along their own rules and expect me to join. And being raised by a loving mother, whose fears controlled me for years. My life quest is how to stay myself with people, who can only tolerate some parts of me.

And now, I try to enter the life of someone who never looked for contact anymore. Why can’t I accept this decision of the other. What makes me force to go for situations where there is no place for what I feel. It is an interesting situation. Love, friendship. Since I want to explore what it means to love unconditional, I force to go for my hearts desires, and I am curious to what I can do in situations I cannot control.

I must look inside, because I feel blind. I am feeling.

Yes, at the moment it feels like I am in a stagnation period. I must let go, but to let go, I think, I must act and see what happens with me, when I really confront myself with the person I missed for such a long time.

As a child I knew that the stars could only be brighter, and we would get closer, leaving this darkness behind. Now that I am older, the stars light upon my face. Feeling. Feeling.

As a kid, I always wanted to go to the mountains. And at last, when I was at the top of one mountain, I wanted to go to another mountain. This is what my mother said about me.

But to be honest the trip I am in now is not about fulfilling desires. It is about conquering my fears.

Love is losing game.

I loved my husband, so much, and now I am so very far away. My soul forced me to leave home. And go to unexpected places. I would say love is wonderful but not easy.

at the airport in munich after one night of not sleeping, but clubbing. still shining eyes.

I also lost my cell phone this week. This was not the first time in my life, unfortunately. I was in panic, like always. But this time, I could feel my panic as a physical reality. I could live it, express it, my eyes were like a concentrated, tormented crazy man. I even enjoyed to feel this state, I was happy that my worries did not stay inside.

This week I didn’t observe only my self…

So i discovered that there are people, who haven’t found their own energy. They are too involved by seducing the others. When they succeed in their seduction, the others automatically generate some energy as an immediate answer to their plea. The seductive people ride this energy as if it is their own. They think, they deserve it, because they provoked it. But they are as parasites. They are people who only seduce and didn’t learn to give,. Perhaps they might seem to be very powerful, but they aren’t autonomous, they live by attention. They need others to become someone.

My wish to disappear out of every social circle , based on power games, becomes more and more present.

Dear S.
You are gone out of my life, out of my mind, out my heart.

The more I disappear , the more I don’t miss you anymore.

I believe in you, but i don’t believe in you and me anymore. ( although i promised to wait…)

You are out of my system.

Yes, you are.

I can think of you without pain, or fear.

You could say, i am free ( again).