united sorry

10h47, rue de l’ourcq

First there was a a lot of fog, then the sun appeared, cars on the highway became visible, the windows of the other houses made a composition of empty holes.  Some people try to excel in their work by sending a nice email to their working partners. Coffee is made from coffeebeans, they travelled a long way before they gave taste to some hot water.

how can you find a kind of timing towards movement that generates a certain kind of beauty? A specific timing that isolates the body from the space, and at the same time  makes the space around the body tangible . Such a timing can make you aware of your own percpetion of this all, because you se something magical, mysterious. And ofcourse that’s what i am looking for…

I explore this kind of timing in making a distinction between the rythm of my mind and the rythm of my body. It is never artificial, never totally organic how i move. the movements are alterneating, shifting, in between these two states. Art is to find another organization in nature, than we know, by lettng the capicities of our mind, intermingle with the capaicities of our body. In the mind we can free ourselves from the rythm of the body, but we don’t want to dominate our body by mental control, so at the same time the mind can listen to how the body reacts, interacts. We need a lot of awarenes.  Awareness is something different than mind control, awareness also observes the actions of the mind.

yesterday i walked on the pilgramgasse in vienna, very close to my home, and i was thinking about the conceptualists in oru dance practice. they consider themselves as the highest level in art, because they consider the inteligence of the mind as dominant above the expressionim of the bpdy. But a next development is to intermingle the intellignce of the mind with that of the body. Because art isn’t about knowing, its a constant flux between discovering and testing unknown areas.

i am happy, i fly to paris tonight.

Three years ago they found you dead. And again i feel this enormous sadness about you not being alive anymore. I find it hard to accept that you made your life  so short, that you couldn’t find peace with being the person you were.

you were such a beautiful person.

i still want to hold you like we did so many times, just to express that it was and still is okay to be with you. Dead or alive, you stay in my mind as my little brother in crime. In crime to be loved. Endlessly.  yes, sometimes i start to forget you, but I still love you deeply.

I just told gerog, that i was once in a club with you, there was almost no one there, but the music was great. I was dancing, you were drinking at the bar. I forgot you totally i was while moving, and then you crossed the dancefloor and kissed me on my mouth and said, i love you so much because of the way you are dancing now. There was nothing seductive or sexual in what you said, it was just that we became soulbrothers at that moment, because  you recognized something in me, what i didnt know before.

Once you asked me if we would do a lot of shamistic travels together. At that time i didn’t understand that you became one of my travelcompanions through the country of the death.

sebastian, wherever you are at this moment, i wish you all my love… and send also my love  to all the people who still miss you

today i told frans that i like the music of scott matthew so much, but that i was a little disturbed by the 81 posing pictures with him and his beard. He is nice to see, but that is a little to vain, and the moment i saif it , i thought of all my pictures on the blog, by the way Frans was smiling to me. So i decided to disappear from the screen.

This morning, when i was looking for a old disk, i discovered my old german book about magic, with this book i can learn how to disappear, not only from the screen, but more out of my body. I already stopped drinking alcohol, so i can start to practice again… where does the magic of the theatre stop?

enjoying a party in a viennese apartment

saturday i saw a dance performance which irritated me so much, that i couldn’t applaude. Perhaps i was the only one who saw what i saw. I saw a female body on stage that was so anorectic that she couldn’t relax in her dancing. The mind of an anorectic person has a control issue, he or she wants to control the body, and a person who wants to control his or her body, can’t let the dance happen to emerge, he or she wants to control the dance, and a person who wants to control the dance, can never get a real connection with the dance. so i heared some beatuful music, but i saw a woman who could not dance on it. It seemed that her fight to be in time with the music was the main topic of her dancing. And i saw a man on stage, who behaved as the  inventor of this all, but at the same time he played the role of a humble man who can’t reach the madness of his muse. She already lives in another world.

I read that the performance was inspired by un chien andalou of bunuel, one of my favourite movies, but i couldn’t see any of Bunuels radical narrative surrealism in what they did.

What can I say? These kind of performances exist, and they have nothing to do with the things i like in contemporary dance. I think dance doen’t have to be a fight about control, i prefer a dialogue between the knowledge of the skills and the choice of letting something unknown emerge. Virtuosity of movement is about allowing the body to enter a state of freedom in dancing, it shouldnt be  about a fight to impress the public. Dance becomes magical when the dance moves the dancer, not when the dancer works hard to keep in control of his or her movements.

After seeing this performance, i was happy that i want to make another kind of dance-performances, with another kind of intention, curiosity and ideology.

Sometimes it is good to see art, which you really don’t accept, to keep convinced about the necessity of your own ambitions.

i will do a very old solo about silence and the death of my father within two weeks. now six years later, i still want to be in silence a lot, on stage , and outside stage. but something changed, my comprehension of what silence is , becomes more profound. people always laughed when i said them that i like silence so much, because i can’t stop talking when i move on stage. but since mexcio, the research in danslab/den haag and my discovery of Eros, the silence has become a sensual experience. Silence isn’t an absence of sounds, it is a deepening of listening what already exist, in me, in the other, in the landscapes around me.

i looked as trehearsals of georg, heide and me, and i was touched by our bodies in stillness, we became very human, just by resting in our bodies, and not controling the movements which emerged from this silence. i am happy to work on this silence with frans in our new piece, to rework my martha graham part in front of the mirror, and to start the work with maria. But even i think it will influnece my performance with latifa and my humble shadow appearance with anne teresa.

silence is accepting the being a body.

one time my heart broke. When someone said no to me, i heard it cracking. afterwards i moved for houres in his kitchen to keep myself under control. that’s my past

of course i still miss him not daily, but for sure once or twice a week, this wound will never heal, i think, it became part of my system how to percieve the world, my art, my lovers.

but now something defenitely changed in me.

the man, i thought he was and who i admired so much, becomes more and more the person, i think i can become myself. i don’t need such a person anymore to exist.

perhaps i can live on my own now. my broken heart became my strength. Broken as it is, it is open to the world and i will never close it again.

i didn’t drink now for more than two weeks, and i start to feel a difference in my perception of the world. I am able to stop my thinking loops more easily, just by concentrating on the silence in my body. Still it is difficult to write a lot, i live from moment to moment, and when something isn’t absolutely necessary to do, i just do nothing. i dont know why. But i trust it will change, in a way, i still have the desire to finish things, or write to people who are already for a long time waiting for me. but i do’t do it. autumn is coming in vienna. the suns is still shining, but the tempearture lowers down.

how lonely can you be, sitting for three houres in a bagel cafe, writing a subvention txt, because the deadline was today. at the moment almost no one is there, and i must go to a rehearsal, to work with bodybuilders for an act at the dance-night in vienna.

I hesitated to buy the fashion glossy purple this time, it is too much money for not so much interviews and at the moment money is a kind of problem. but then i bought it, because there is an interview with jodorowski. For two years already i am occupied with what this man represents: his books, films, and especially his terminology like the word psychomagic: this refers to a shamanistic performance practrice to change patterns of being. Seeing my work, people suggested me to visit him in paris, but i never did. Now when i read his interview i feel a kind of regret as if I am too late , because  he is in fashion again. So i am still not this open source guy who is happy when ideas emerge at others ,  before he kristallized his own thoughts about it in a tangible form.

when i perform in new york, people always say to me that i must contact the radical fairy movement, and join their assemblees,> So now i am thinking that i should  make a connection between jodorowski and the radical fairies. but i also want  to learn the deer dances of the indigineous people in mexico. and now i am researching the presence of the performer in space ( gallery or stage), inspired by the work of abraham hurtado and yvone dröge wendl. i think i have to much ideas at the moment.

working with frans in the leopoldmuseum, for a small action in the Tanznacht. How two realities meet. Frans with his child, in front of a picture of egon schiele, portaraing a dead mother, with one dead child and one living child. Our challenge will be to investigate where this kind of art influences aor thinking about ou daily life.

dear reader of this blog, for long i didn’t write a blog or actualise the website, because i was wondering how to go on. I felt, tt was time to change things again. After the first attempts to combine theatre, dance, shamanism, by making the personal an example of human existence, it became time to explore other perspectives in our work.

and i felt that changing the work demands also another website, so i had no energy to keep th eold version update. but now i have found something new, so slowly i will rewrite the txts, the context of information etc.

there is still this strong wish to disappear in the work, to objectify the personal presence in the work, in the dance and in my writings. But i leave  the self created deathrituals for what they are, although i will use them still in some of the performances and workshops.

But now i am concentrating  on the physical presence on stage, and the consequences of living and making work out of silence. how to make movements and tetxts which come from silence and how to bring the public into this mindstate of silence.

i consider silence as a creative non descript state of infinite possibilities, which we can’t controle.

i stopped drinking alcohol ten days ago, to research what kind of effect this will have on my mind. Alcohol made me less sensitive to sense the impact of silence.

is it possible to dance with your body the same way as  a magician uses his hands to hypnotize the public. Daily life is magic, so let’s call this way of dancing: Tanz Konkret

In a very cheap shop i bought  these glasses. i don’t want to wear my lenses all the time anymore and  also because i like to look like a real artist, with heavy black glasses kike for instance as aa bronson. I am not in poodles, and i don’t have a friend with such a long beard, and my own beard isn’t as long as his, but alike him  i am quite interested in massaging the ass from the perspective of the tantric body.