loving me, loving you
written on Thursday, February 4th, 2010

Last week I was in the mountains of Austria, looking for locations for a performance with Theater in Bahnhof for the summer, now i see the palms outside of my window, they are a bit freezing, because it is also called here in montpellier, where i try to support a group of people who make a comedy musical.
This week i am troubled by how to make dance and songs about emotions, daily life, social life, being part of a group who makes theatre, believing in the work you make, staying honest to yourself within the mechanics of the market.so welcome to the world of the comedy musical.
The feeling of hurt seems fundamental for me to make work.
I can’t get rid of the outburst of my broken heart. Perhaps because I discovered that a broken heart is also an open heart. My heart wants to be open to face the audience to share some of the pains and desires of life.
I know, that to communicate these feelings of sadness I must enter the pain of my trauma’s of losing lovers, parents, friends again. Death is still not really my best friend. I can’t smell the death in my life; most of all I smell the sweat of the fear of death around me.
A shaman taught me to transform any disturbing emotion into pure energy somewhere in my belly. She also taught me to die in my eyes.
Every work which I make, turns out to be a psychedelic experience for me; it always dresses itself in a transformative journey of the mind.
And now, I am here at the bottom of the ocean, missing you, thinking of you, dreaming of you. I never let you go, the hard I tried. Although did I ever really try?
Is this my big ego trip, because you showed me how i could become someone who wants to enjoy his life and love to the fullest… sexually?




